for the first time in my life I say this

I have never had many friends, for the first time in my life I say this,

I don't really have any or at least none who don't want anything from me,

sorry that is a lie because I had one friend, it's funny because

her and I were really REALLLY alot alike, she was someone that always 

makes me smile, it's scary really both fear being alone, fear to get closer 

to people, but I don't think about if I really WANTED to be close to that person.

Over the past couple of months we have become closer,

she was the one and only person that knows where my secrets were hidden,

she was the first person that I have let in in about three years ago.

Anyway, last weekend I realized that I'm lonely but I didn't want anyone anymore.

I was busy all the weekend but when I did get home, I couldn't bring myself 

to do anything because I did not want to do it alone for the first time 

in a long time, I was thinking about going out, not to the football game

or the poetry café but out to walk.

It's funny how things happen, not too long ago I heard a song 

about my case " the lonely " so I went and picked it up.

I realized that maybe at one point that was me but the story

was different, it was true  and I felt hard for that time.

The sond made me cry everywhere, in my room with the lights off,

in the middle of the day, sitting at a picnic table ,telling a friend 

everything about my wounds while walking, I even tried to forget

but it was only half hearted , we ended up going back and forth

after that I allowed her to end a relationship.

i was in which in turn put me on the outs with my circle of friends,

but don't get me wrong ,they were still friends but because 

of the circumstances there was no way that i could really 

hang with them again.

We ended her and I because she all of the sudden did not know 

what she wanted, it was really about WHO she wanted,

she had none into the picture, and I never really wanted to let her go

but I could not fight if she was not going to, but it was more

of a half hearted .

So I found myself in situation with very few friends,

not alot of possessions and a time of misery and heart ache.

Today I'm still trying to figure out what to do, I can't go back

but I'm having problems moving foward.